No, not in the death kinda way. In the “just sorta melting away into the night, I’ll-call-you-soon-but-never-do-again” kinda way. I know paths diverge. I know people have issues (oh boy, do I know that). But it still hurts.
And it’s difficult not to blame myself. (Granted, it always has been.) I am generally not happy, and my emotions are very strong–particularly anger, and fear can get out of control if I don’t stop the train from flying off the tracks. At times I have acted out of emotions instead of wise mind, and this has meant snark and/or dismissiveness or sometimes even outright personal attacks. Mostly online. Which means I can be that guy I despise: the internet jockey who takes pot shots.
That last point is pretty apt. I don’t really like myself. I try to do positive things for myself (exercise and being proactive with regard to certain of life’s necessities), but I don’t feel them as positive most of the time. When I post these positive things on social media, the intent is supposed to be that I celebrate what I’m doing. Instead, I’ve noticed that I desperately want validation. The validation I never got growing up. The validation that will somehow calm these rough seas of emotion.
But that isn’t realistic. Getting validation is great, but as I’ve been told repeatedly ad nauseam happiness has to come from within me. But how does this come in, basically, a vacuum? Having no friends I hang out with, and having no people I know that I *want* to hang out with who are actually talking to me, means I need to start over. It’s much easier to make friends in school, work, and other regular social settings. I don’t have those social settings, so I need to create them, through the fear and anticipatory anxiety and pre-judgment that invariably come up.
So, as I rhetorically asked so eloquently a couple days back on social media, why does everything have to be so fucking hard?