You’re free to hate me now.

Im reminded of George Carlin’s rant about how the rich (or, my take, the government) keep us fighting among ourselves so they can run off with all the money.

Right now, people are fighting among themselves and being extremely territorial and sensitive about it. I’m the first person to admit I’m very sensitive. But a ton of people are hurting. A lot. It is the emotional responses, usually to written words (lack of inflection, eye contact, tone of voice, etc), that can be problematic.

Recently I said I wanted facts about that photo. You all probably know the one. When the photo was first shared, there was no context except that it was taken very recently in Baton Rouge. Other than that, no context. I made the “mistake” of stating that I wanted facts instead of assumptions (the cops could’ve been removing the cuffs? Unlikely, but I wanted more information. Turns out they weren’t, but at the time all I had was a still photo.) I stated that, without context, the photo was essentially worthless. Journalists do this all the time: take quotes out of context to serve themselves.

Now that I have context, it’s not worthless at all. But people jumped all over me nonetheless. Somehow I’m the bad guy for distrusting the media and wanting more information.

Even now as I write this, I’m expecting to get flak. But here’s my overall point: we’re all, still, fighting amongst ourselves. Instead of attempting to understand and communicate.

I’ve lost so many friends due to misinterpretations, and even when I apologize if I offended someone I get silence or insults in return. I now therefore have zero close friends, and it’s a lonely fricking world.

Can people learn when they are in their emotion minds and acting from that instead of “wise” mind? Yes. Will they? I’m losing faith that most people will even try.  A lot of people I see are more interested in winning an argument than the communication and understanding that can come from the argument.  A lot of people see life as a pissing contest.

To take it a little further personally, what’s the point in being myself if people don’t like who I am? I have so much empathy, I love hugs (and desperately need them from someone I feel safe with, whoever that is), I’m very self-aware though I reassess this all the time…but what does it matter? There’s entirely too much sugar-coating running rampant in this country.  Am I blunt sometimes? Yes. Do I go out of my way to try to allay others’ fears at times anyway? Yes.

Do I need to love myself? Yes. Do I know how? I’ve studied it, tried tons of different things, but keep reverting to depression and self-denigration. I trust so little that I think people are going to leave me if I let them in.  I’ve had a few close friends before, and I let them in, only to be told after years “I’m sick of your bullshit” and been written countless passive-aggressive comments (which I’d ask about, via PM, if I’d done something wrong…only to get silence).

So, in short, I’m lonely, hurting, people are leaving/have left me, and the world is hurting so much that we’re fucking ourselves.


2 thoughts on “You’re free to hate me now.

  1. sabatimus,

    Life is an experience, and we all do it differently. It’s not what you do that holds meaning to your life, but rather how you do it. I don’t believe we should have to be somebody else in order to make others happy. One thing I learned from working in retail is that people will get mad over anything (I want to stress the word anything there) when they are mad at themselves. Let me explain:

    Ever had a bad day where you drop things, break things, spill things, stub your big toe, forget something important and so on? You get mad at yourself, even if you say you don’t, you do. And then what happens? Somebody does something stupid and it makes you angry. We have to be honest with ourselves, we all do this. Then that poor fool who did the stupid thing gets our evil eye or foul mouth. Then that poor fool thinks they are the problem. The reality is, we are the problem. We are the ones having the bad day and anything to distract us from our own self loathing is worth our effort to react to. Oddly enough, somehow, it makes us feel better if someone else is to blame – even if only for a moment, we feel good to place our anger upon them. We all do this.

    So one day I was doing my job. We had a sale and the sale had ended. Three days later a woman comes in the store and wants to use a coupon. In a nutshell, I went out of my way to comfort her hot head and even checked with my boss to see if we could bend the rules. Out of my control, the answer was no. This woman went on to yell at me and blame me for the bad day she was having. I was told I was rude and unwilling to help her. She later wrote an e-mail to my boss, who then shared it with me. My boss overheard my interaction with this customer and told me that had she not heard it, I could have been fired over this woman’s account of her experience with me in the store. She told me that I was apologetic and kind and had professionally approached this irate customer. This angry woman’s experience was the opposite. She only saw the world with “bad day glasses” and nobody could console her to see the world differently. It was then that my boss told me these words of wisdom, “It’s not you, it’s her. She’s just having a bad day and had some bad experiences at other stores and expects you to fix her problems”. I’ve never forgotten this lesson, and I pass it on to you.

    It’s true. People suck. We all do. But sometimes we have enough of these experiences to get over them and stop treating others like crap in order to satisfy our own ego. I still have bad days and sometimes I am short with a cashier or get crabby when I have to wait in line too long. We’re not perfect. Sometimes we can’t even control our own actions. My point is, it’s not you, it’s them. All we can do is understand that angry people are struggling with their own bad days. All we can do is remember this when people are trying to make us feel bad or fix their bad days. When someone comments on Facebook or other social media outlet – they’re getting something off their chest. When they read something that is challenging their perspective or personal life experience, it sets them off. Again, it’s not what you said, but how they reacted to it. Someone else’s reaction is not your problem. You be you and I’ll be me, and let them be angry and swim around in their fish bowl of bad days. We can’t fix their problems and we have to try to not allow their bad days to become ours.

    As far as losing friends, good riddance, I say! If you have to change in order to keep your friends, then they just weren’t the right friends for you. There’s more, but this is long enough – I hope you can see the colors of my words and that you always remember it’s not your bad day, it’s theirs.

    – ninelvlsup

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