All right dammit.

Hey look it’s old me at Borders…a company where customers would come in and say WOW I’D LOVE TO WORK HERE and I’d want to yell YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MOTHERFUCKING CORPORATE BULLSHIT IT IS HERE!

I’m an hour away from being 3 days sober. This is fine. I’m not in danger of losing this streak tonight.

However, I have nothing positive to say. Yes I know that’s not true because I just wrote something that was.

I’m in the middle of a post-trigger jagged silence. Fought with my best friend tonight and wound up feeling like I’m 8 years old trying to figure out how to appease my sister……what does she want? What can I say to get her to stop? Nothing worked. Nothing.

So I had the bright idea of opening this blog up and writing, since I haven’t written in a bit, and most of the recent blog entries have been when I was drunk anyway.

I had a feeling tonight was going to be hard, but not this hard.

I’m not ready to go another year or more of having online-only friends (read: 90% acquaintances) due to delta and COVID and fucking anti-maskers and -vaxxers and bullshit social media lies and disinformation. I had a glimmer of hope where me and my brother and family (but not my fucking sister) went to mom n dad’s house and played cards; we did this in June I think. The days just run together now. It’s not likely that will happen again anytime soon.

People have been seeking therapy like mad. I have a therapist; she had to cancel today because sadly she had an urgent family matter. Therapy will be Friday instead.

I feel like I could remain silent the rest of the night, or scream in my own private moshpit in the parking lot. And yes WordPress “moshpit” is one word you amoebic throatsack.

I hope reading Brandon Sanderson will be good tonight if I can do it without falling asleep first. It’s going to take some time for my body and mind to fully expunge the alcohol.

Social media is a disease yet it’s all I have at the moment.



Honestly. Hold me. But it ain’t gonna happen. So I’ll keep drinking water and hugging my plush bear and crying. And fuck you there’s no such thing as “ugly crying”. I don’t do dainty fucking photo-op tears. I do full wracking sobs and there’s nothing you can do about it.

A bit confused. Maybe you can help me.

We won’t talk about that.
Convenient forgetful spiders
fleshly displeasures
I won’t measure my knuckles
I won’t measure my fingers
I won’t measure up.
capricious comparisons
what do we want?
Do I talk to me or us?
Let’s take a stand against
Void. Would this help?
Does that encapsulate you?
There would be
no one
who understands
Until maybe one day just maybe someone help you fucking people isn’t there someone whom I can trust no of course not but why please I’m hurting every single day and it doesn’t matter to anyone except me so god dammit stop the war in my head stop stop stop stop stop STOP

You’re supposed to hate me.

Aren’t you?

It’s a men’s issue (addendum)

This is a verbatim comment I wrote on the TEDx talk by Jackson Katz (I posted the talk and some thoughts on my previous blog post, similarly-titled):

I wondering: do his clients listen to what he says? Getting men to listen when their minds have been programmed to regard this as garbage has got to be difficult. Some of the comments on this talk seem to represent that kind of blowback. So what if Katz is promoting himself and making money at what he does if he’s good at it? The world could use a lot more male emotional health. It’s only parents from my generation who I’ve personally seen allow their sons to feel emotions in healthy ways and don’t instruct (by word or act) them to bury their emotions. It’s my opinion that the burial of emotions can easily lead to violence, particularly with regard to men. It’s no accident that the sex that commits the most crimes and the most mass shootings and bombings is male. Men are still socialized to suck it up and deal and not be emotional and that, when they are emotional and hugging male friends, they somehow feel the need to write #nohomo. Nationally, globally, the majority of men are insecure about themselves and uncomfortable with emotions. Personally I think it’d be great if men hugged each other regularly and shared personal stories/conflicts as women do, and didn’t feel bad about it.

Healing 101

Who knows.  If this continues we might actually start to build a sense of positive community in this country.  Call me crazy.

The importance of meeting someone where they’re at cannot be overstated.

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